the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
