it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Randomize
