the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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