I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
