is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
