Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
