I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
