Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
