There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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