Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
