I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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