u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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