with your own penis?
thus making me awesome and them whores
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
