Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My liver just had a heart attack.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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