if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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