if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
