so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
