Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
