And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
