OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
