biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
