I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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