Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
