i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He shit in the fireplace
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