so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
