ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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