I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
