He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Randomize
