apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
