The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
