I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
