I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
