He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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