hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
