I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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