A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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