she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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