.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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