Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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