Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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