tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
