i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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