There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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