FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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