I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
