just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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