I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
