My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
