I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
