I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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