IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
