I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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